As hard as it is to watch, letting our kids feel disappointed is how we help them build resilience. Disappointment is a natural part of life and an emotion that we all need to know how to manage.
As with all emotions, it is important to acknowledge and validate your child’s experience (telling them to ‘toughen up’ won’t help here). You can use phrases like:
“Oh I can see how disappointed you are that Madison had to cancel the playdate today. It’s normal to feel that way”. The next step is really important though – this is where you help your child navigate this emotional experience by providing co-regulation support where needed. So you might follow the acknowledgement and validation with “how about we go jump on the trampoline together, it might make you feel a bit better?” – or something else that you know helps your child feel more regulated.
Exposure to adverse events (situations leading to disappointment will fit in here) is what helps kids develop resilience. So I absolutely don’t recommend shielding your child from things such as leaving their lunch at home and losing games. Learning to recover from this is an essential part of life, and what helps with the later positive attributes of grit and persistence.
About the author
Amanda Abel is a paediatric psychologist, mum, and founder of Northern Centre for Child Development (NCCD) and Hawthorn Centre for Child Development (HCCD) – multidisciplinary paediatric practices in Melbourne. Working directly and indirectly with hundreds of clients each year, Amanda’s mission is for every child to achieve their best outcomes by equipping families and educators with the tools they need to help kids thrive.
Amanda draws on her own experiences of being a parent along with her extensive training and well-honed skill set to get families thriving. Having worked with families for almost two decades, as a psychologist for the past 11 years in a variety of settings, and a valued board member of the Autism Behavioural Intervention Association, Amanda loves building the confidence of the adults in the lives of children so that they can connect meaningfully, help them reach their full potential, and live a life that reflects their values.
Often appearing on Channel 7 and 9 News and regularly featuring in print media, Amanda is on a mission to make the world better for kids through her clinical work, consulting to some of the biggest global toy manufacturers and educating the digital media industry about making the internet safer for kids.
Photo by Tatiana Syrikova
